WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth used his Citibank government travel card to cover military payroll last week, according to senior Pentagon officials who described the move as “creatively illegal.”

“Apparently Citibank sent a letter to President Trump stating that Secretary Hegseth is now delinquent in the amount of eight billion dollars,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Papa Bear was pissed.”

Government travel cards are intended to cover expenses during official travel — not to bankroll the Department of Defense during a shutdown, according to a 59-page policy document that defense finance officials are required to pretend they’ve read.

Duffel Blog attempted to read the regulation but blacked out somewhere around paragraph 2.4.1.6.7 and woke up covered in Skilcraft ink.

The alleged misuse came to light during the Global Training Meeting, where U.S. readiness is compared against other countries in a color-coded PowerPoint presentation originally created in 1998.

“Denmark? Green across the board. Kenya? Green across the board. Then they get to America and it’s a giant red dot for government travel card payments!” Trump reportedly shouted. “Somebody warn me before I walk into a meeting looking like a broke-ass general!”

All military members are required to complete annual training on the appropriate usage of government travel cards. As a former Army National Guard officer, Pete Hegseth should have conducted this training multiple times, unless his Minnesota chain of command was pencil-whipping it.