1. Food

Seems like an obvious necessity to live, but not during a government shut down! Maybe you live on base and have access to a chow hall, you lucky duck. But for those on deployments to exotic locations such as Los Angeles and Chicago, tough it out. Secretary of Defense (and also War) Pete Hegseth needs you to drop some pounds anyways.

2. Utilities

A lot like food in the basic necessity categories, but you’re probably not reading this list anyways because you’re sitting in the dark.

3. Your cell phone plan

Finally, the perfect excuse not to call your mother. It’s a government emergency ma! Oh did you want to stay in touch with your wife while you’re out defending freedom from bearded Portland hipsters aka Antifa terrorist scum? Well don’t worry because her phone is shut off too, and luckily that dude next door who already mows your lawn twice a week will be right over.

4. Porn

Technically this can be grouped under number three since your main source of Pornhub was your phone, but with the WiFi cut off with the rest of your utilities, think of all that brain power you can use now to imagine nipples and bush while trying to take your mind off the suck that is currently your life.

5. Baby formula

Ok, it’s not Uncle Sam’s fault you have so many dependents. You could’ve used a condom. Of course you can’t afford those now either, but no one wants to fuck your broke ass anyways.

6. Car payments

Say aloha to that sweet Dodge Challenger you bought with your last reenlistment bonus. Sure it’s the only method of transportation you had to get to and from work once you’re allowed to return to your regular paying job (shout out to Chipotle, they never make you work for free!), but at least now you don’t have that ridiculous interest rate amirite?!

7. Your gym membership

Sure, Secretary Hegseth wants you to be a big, beefy boy, but since you’re not eating right now because you can't afford food, you’d probably be too weak for stair machine anyways. That rock hard booty is just going to have to wait until Congress decides you need a rock hard booty.