Hegseth says he supports contributions of ‘colored troops and broads’

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WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth this week affirmed his commitment to a diverse and inclusive military, telling reporters that he supports and appreciates the achievements of “colored troops and broads” throughout military history.

“Doris Miller did some real badass stuff during Pearl Harbor — I saw the movie,” Hegseth said. “People say he’s a hero. Not me, but people. Though I gotta say, a guy named Doris? That’s confusing. That’s why the Navy should've only gave him, like, three-fifths of a medal.”

On the subject of women in uniform, Hegseth was equally enthusiastic.

“Nurses are vital to the mission,” he said, while receiving a fresh chest tattoo of a sonnenrad flanked by an eagle fighting a serpent. “But let’s be honest, ladies aren’t built for the violent stuff like men are. They’re meant to provide comfort. I heard the Japanese used comfort women to great effect during WWII. We should try that.”

Critics have pointed out that Hegseth’s views might stem more from his own insecurities than science. Biologically, women cannot meet the standards that men can, according to his beliefs. And yet, several former and current female Army officers have earned Ranger tabs while Secretary Hegseth has not.

“I wouldn’t call him a ‘tabless, whiny little bitch,’” said Kristen Griest, one of the first women to graduate Ranger School and now a West Point instructor. “But I do have a Ranger tab, and he doesn’t.”

Shaye Haver, who graduated alongside Griest, added: “He’s welcome to talk about standards once he meets some.”

Hegseth dismissed the critique.

“I love women and I love minorities,” he insisted. “Lady Admiral Michelle Howard is like a twofer. Black and female. That’s great. Just… you know, Navy.”

Later, while sipping whiskey to dull the sting of his new tattoo, Hegseth Googled Griest’s name.

“Okay, fine,” Hegseth admitted after scrolling through her profile. “She might outrank me, outshoot me, and out-tab me. But I’ve got way more Fox News appearances.”