WASHINGTON — Officials with Immigration and Customs Enforcement are warning of a looming recruiting crisis after discovering that not enough Americans are failing the ASVAB, sources confirmed today.
“ICE desperately needs more recruits who cannot pass this very simple diagnostic test,” said Todd M. Lyons, the agency’s acting director, during a press conference at the Washington Field Office.
The Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery, or ASVAB, is a standardized test used by the U.S. military to assess aptitude for service and job placement.
“The simple truth is that not enough young dummies are scoring poorly in areas like arithmetic reasoning, word knowledge, and mechanical comprehension,” Lyons said. “That presents a serious manpower challenge for an organization like ICE, which depends on those exact deficiencies.”
According to the ICE Management and Administration Directorate, the number of applicants who completely bomb the test — a non-negotiable prerequisite for ICE service — has fallen to historic lows.
“The number of young dipshits — our preferred demographic — who are disqualified from military service is becoming vanishingly small,” said Executive Associate Director Susan C. Dunbar. “It’s a real problem for us, since we are the preeminent federal agency staffed almost entirely by boneheads.”
ICE officials say too many potential recruits are now scoring well enough to qualify for what the agency calls ‘genius-level military jobs, relative to ICE.’
“Kids are taking jobs like Army infantryman or Marine wall-licker, which leaves the cupboard pretty bare for us,” said Dunbar.
In response, ICE has begun exploring aggressive, outside-the-box recruiting solutions.
“We’re developing a pre-course before the Enforcement Academy,” Lyons said. “Recruits will be trained on how to disable critical thinking, suppress pattern recognition, and confidently misunderstand basic facts. We’ll also cover how to embarrass the United States internationally and drag down a sitting president’s approval rating.”
These actions show that ICE is not taking things lying down, which is what Alex Pretti was doing when they shot him ten times.
The agency is also rolling out a proposed ‘racism waiver,’ allowing applicants who score too well on the ASVAB to remain eligible if they can demonstrate sufficient ideological commitment to prejudice.
“That was Miller’s idea,” Lyons said, referencing Stephen Miller, a level-150 racist serving in the White House.
Despite the challenges, ICE leadership remains optimistic.
“We know that with enough grit and determination, we can still unlock this nation’s incompetence,” Dunbar said, moments before walking directly into a locked glass door.
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