THE BRICKS, FORCE WIDE - Following the unprecedented federal indictment of former President Donald Trump for thirty-seven violations of the Espionage Act and obstruction of justice, leading barracks lawyers are weighing in on the complex legal questions surrounding the case, concluding that the twice-impeached former leader of the free world should probably get in his lime green Dodge Charger or lowered Acura Integra or whatever badass whip a billionaire drives and “go AWOL, ASAP.”

“No cap, bro is in some serious shit,” remarked Spc. Jayden Bratton, a SAW gunner who has been promoted and demoted to his current rank three times each.

Appearing on CBS’ “Face the Nation” on Sunday, Bratton elaborated that “Dude’s already got like five strikes against him or something - an off-the-books secret sesh with the tsar of Russia, getting busted for banging that porn star — which is soooo nice, bro and should not EVEN be a crime — and inciting a mob to stop our democracy from functioning. It’s a long list.” He continued, closing his remarks by saying, “I would not want to go in front of the man for this one - I’d haul ass out the back gate about 2300 one night soon and not even look back.”

Bratton’s sentiment was shared by colleagues nationwide who appeared on news shows and wrote newspaper columns in the days following the historic legal action by the Department of Justice.