PENSACOLA, Fla. — A fight broke out yesterday outside of Pine Forest High School between Marine recruiter Sgt. Bayago Galvan and former Florida representative Matt Gaetz. Based on security footage from the school, Gaetz threw the first punch, but Galvan quickly followed with a swift right uppercut to Gaetz’s incredibly punchable jaw.

Accounts differ as to what was said or done to make Congressman, former Attorney General nominee, and accused sex trafficker Matt Gaetz so angry at the Marine recruiter. But all agree it had something to do with the attention of high school senior Melanie Flores.

“I hate drag queens doing storytime, trying to recruit our kids into the book-reading woke mob,” said Gina Flores, Melanie’s mother, who was there when the fight broke out. “But I don’t mind Sgt. Galvan being here because I know he will keep my baby safe.”

“Still, I have no idea why my former Congressman was here in a red convertible Mercedes,” The elder Flores pondered. “Wait… Is this the ‘Mattie’ she kept saying she was hanging out with? I thought Mattie was a girl… and like seventeen. Oh geez, it all makes sense now!”