THE PENTAGON, Washington D.C. — Marine Corps leaders are analyzing the results of a Corps-wide quality of life assessment initiated in response to concerns that perhaps Marines aren’t having the positive life-changing experiences promised by recruiters.

Facing everything from retention challenges to a spate of recent training-related deaths, improving the quality of life for the average Marine has been a consistent message from the Commandant of the Marine Corps, Gen. Eric Smith. Smith first announced the improvements as a priority last August, shortly before Senator Tommy Tuberville helped Smith better appreciate his own quality of life by trying to end it. The effort gained momentum following reports of squalid barracks conditions including pervasive mold and dead rodents.

“What can I say, we were shocked by the response we got,” stated Col. Nohe “Big” Deale. “Keep in mind the results are incomplete, as our assessment program will be running for several more months. But the early returns are pretty consistent: when asked about quality of life, our Marines almost unanimously said they would like some.”

“Now look, we’ll be the first to admit that our pilot program of integrating expeditionary foraging within the squad bay did not pan out, and we took immediate measures to have the rats removed,” said Col. Deale. “Since then, we’ve undertaken a wall-to-wall survey of barracks across the Marine Corps and as Sgt. Maj. Carlos Ruiz said, we’re going to knock those crappy barracks down. Hopefully not with anyone in them. Ha, ha, sorry, bad joke—everyone knows we don’t injure Marines with our buildings, that’s what our vehicles are for.”