Norfolk, VA — After an extensive search, investigators were able to locate the one enlisted person who cares about the Army/Navy game, sources report.

Seaman Apprentice Wilford Durbans was shocked to learn he was the only person boot enough to care about Naval Academy football.

“These are our future officers and leaders proving themselves on a simulated field of battle,” Durbans said, referring to the team of mediocre athletes and rich kids that didn’t get into an Ivy League school. “I’m proud to know one day I’ll be saluting these men. My favorite song is running cadence.”