CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — In a groundbreaking yet predictable mishap that literally everyone saw coming, a Marine volunteer equipped with Elon Musk’s Neuralink has reportedly crashed Pornhub’s servers, causing an unprecedented digital blackout and a surge of confusion among users worldwide.
Sgt. James Johnson, who volunteered for the Neuralink trial as part of a DARPA initiative to create “super soldiers with enhanced cognitive capabilities,” inadvertently overwhelmed the adult entertainment site during a routine test of his newly acquired mental prowess.
“We were running a series of standard cognitive load tests,” said Dr. Laura Brainstein, lead researcher for the project. “Suddenly, Sgt. Johnson’s Neuralink interface started pinging unknown servers at a rate of 10,000 requests per second. It took me a minute to figure out what was happening, but Sgt. Johnson was done within 30 seconds. I guess that’s why they call him High Speed.”
Initially, researchers believed the Neuralink had malfunctioned. But Sgt. Johnson’s subsequent confession revealed the actual cause.
