This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Neuralink placed in Marine crashes Pornhub
"I saw it all. All of Pornhub at once. I was, like, the god of porn for a minute.”
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — In a groundbreaking yet predictable mishap that literally everyone saw coming, a Marine volunteer equipped with Elon Musk’s Neuralink has reportedly crashed Pornhub’s servers, causing an unprecedented digital blackout and a surge of confusion among users worldwide.
Sgt. James Johnson, who volunteered for the Neuralink trial as part of a DARPA initiative to create “super soldiers with enhanced cognitive capabilities,” inadvertently overwhelmed the adult entertainment site during a routine test of his newly acquired mental prowess.
“We were running a series of standard cognitive load tests,” said Dr. Laura Brainstein, lead researcher for the project. “Suddenly, Sgt. Johnson’s Neuralink interface started pinging unknown servers at a rate of 10,000 requests per second. It took me a minute to figure out what was happening, but Sgt. Johnson was done within 30 seconds. I guess that’s why they call him High Speed.”
Initially, researchers believed the Neuralink had malfunctioned. But Sgt. Johnson’s subsequent confession revealed the actual cause.
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