QUANTICO, Va. — In an effort to modernize the force for the future battlefield, a newly released Marine Corps budget for 2022 calls for more “beefy boys with machine guns,” sources confirmed today.

“We’re faced with a growing threat from near-peer competitors like Russia and China,” said Marine Commandant Gen. David Berger. “It’s clear that the only way to deter and, if necessary, defeat them is with a fleet of hulked-up beefcakes shooting M240s from the hip.”

The Marine Corps’ budget allocation for shredded studmuffins has been on the decline ever since the Vietnam War, with more recent cuts being justified to fund “weak sauce” programs such as the Naval Strike Missile, antisubmarine warfare, and the F-35. But Berger thinks it’s not new technologies, but glistening hard bodies pulling triggers that will make the difference in the future fight.

“Can an F-35 deadlift 600 pounds and put a .50-cal on target at a thousand yards from defilade?” said Berger. “I think not.”