NEW PYONGYANG, UKRAINE — In a surprising turn of events, a North Korean soldier’s first experience with a Sharpie has led to an unexpected existential and simultaneously predictable outcome. Upon being handed the magic marker, Private Kim Lee Park immediately drew a highly detailed and impressively veiny penis.

“I was so proud of him,” said Comrade Ivanov, Kim’s direct superior and the man who initiated the Sharpie hand-off. “So many veins. And when I say veins, I’m not talking two or three. This penis had at least fifteen veins. Like, if God had a penis, it would have looked like Park’s penis. The drawing. Park’s drawing. Not Park’s actual penis. I haven’t seen his penis. He has too much pubic hair.”

Private Kim’s artistic revelation has sparked a wave of new conscripts flocking to join the North Korean People’s Army. Sources reveal that news of such modern luxuries as porta-johns, Copenhagen, and access to porn has finally reached the Hermit Kingdom, causing a conscription surge not seen since the promise of one square meal a day.