By As for Class
The Coast Guard has announced a party to end all parties, as every Coast Guard installation is being sent boatloads of wine coolers to kick off the um-teenth birthday of the USCG.
“Gosh, we’re pretty serious about this thing,” said John Sumpter, a Coast Guard spokesman.
“We’ve been making the cooks prepare deviled eggs for days. There’s going to be goldfish party trays, scavenger hunts and a unicorn floatie race. I heard a rumor we are renting chocolate fountains. Even this year’s theme is epic, Seas the Day!”
The celebration will be different from previous Coast Guard birthdays, which did not allow the consumption of alcohol and stuck to the annual Under the Sea theme, complete with paper mache jellyfish and arts and crafts stations.
This year there are rumors that Coast Guardsman had “scored” some high-grade “party favors” though senior defense officials said the innuendo likely originated from aides in the office of Commandant Adm. Karl Schultz in a bid to drive up att…