CHICAGO, IL — The American eating industry is engulfed in scandal as two beloved food icons accuse each other of making half-baked claims about their military rank and service record, sources confirmed today.

The recipe for controversy began when long-time KFC spokesman Colonel Sanders questioned Cap’n Crunch, the famed cereal front man. Sanders noticed that for years, Crunch wore three rank stripes on his sleeve, indicating that his true rank was commander. 

“That loser Crunch has faked being a captain for decades,” said Sanders, who also took issue with the Cap’n’s Napoleonic-style hat and full epaulets. “His half-assed outfit came from a thrift store outside Quaker Oats.”

He continued: “I’ve seen plenty of Navy captains strolling out of my restaurants with buckets of chicken under each arm, and he’s not one of them.”