By Task Force Football Bat

THE CAPITOL — In the wake of Rep. Matt Gaetz’s railing against ‘woke’ culture in the U.S. military, lawmakers are making a stand where national security is concerned, activating a new Joint Select Committee on Unmasculine Activities in the Armed Forces.

The creation of the committee has been lauded by masculinity experts nationwide, including Rep. Gaetz’s high school girlfriend and Fox News’ Tucker Carlson.

The committee seeks to help the military get a jump start on addressing dangerously low testosterone levels, which will be highlighted in detail by Carlson in his upcoming softcore gay porn documentary, “The End of Men.” 

“I’m pleased to see the formulation of this committee,” said Carlson, a long-time advocate for a stronger military. “I’ll be even more pleased when I see a lot of documentation of testicle tanning.”

“This is fucking serious,” he added.