Noem visit to LA troops ends in gunfire, K-9 fatality
DHS Secretary insists dog was ‘out of regs and possibly liberal.’
LOS ANGELES — The ongoing military presence in downtown Los Angeles has claimed its first casualty. Gambit, a Marine Corps working dog, was shot and killed during a visit by Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, who allegedly feared for her safety.
Witnesses say the 55-pound Belgian Malinois was leashed and fully compliant when Noem drew her personal Sig Sauer 9mm — hot pink, of course — and fired three rounds into the dog’s back.
Noem, who famously admitted in her 2024 memoir to executing her 14-month-old puppy Cricket for being “untrainable,” defended the act as a matter of self-defense.
“I feared for my life,” Noem said while readjusting clip-in extensions and reapplying bronzer. “And frankly, that animal was wild and probably would not have been a very good hunting dog, anyway.”
But Cpl. Gabriel Loup, who trained Gambit since puppyhood, disagrees. An experienced hunter himself, Loup said that Gambit was tough when necessary but overall well-trained and friendly.
“I grew up in the country. I know a good bird dog from a bad one. I raised and trained Gambit from the time he was a puppy. He was a good dog,” Loup explained, still visibly sobbing. “Secretary Noem just loves killing dogs. I bet she is banned from Disney World because Pluto fears for his fucking life.”
Noem insisted that Gambit was aggressive and clearly out of control, despite his being tagged and harnessed in accordance with Marine regulations. Additionally, Gambit was trained in the elite Military Working Dog Program, an initiative that has been successfully in place in the Marine Corps for over eighty years.
“He was a loyal, disciplined, government-issued good boy,” Loup said, holding back tears. “Not that it matters. This bitch just loves shooting puppies.”
Despite Loup’s evident distress over the death of Gambit, Noem refused to apologize. Instead, she stuck to her metaphorical and literal guns.
“Look, this was sad but ultimately sorely needed,” Noem said, while hastily reapplying bronzer to her cheeks with a handheld compact. “Just like these troops need to be here to deport these illegal criminals.”
“Habeas corpus is the law that says the President can deport illegals, and the Second Amendment is the law that says I get to shoot dogs if they are acting up. These things are in the Bible. Look it up!” Noem stated firmly as she boarded her private jet.
As Noem continues her tour of military installations, defense officials are reminding troops to avoid sudden movements and refrain from fetching anything.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.
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Best line ever “Secretary Noem just loves killing dogs. I bet she is banned from Disney World because Pluto fears for his fucking life.”
It could happen.