By RED Friday

SUITLAND, MD— The Director of Naval Intelligence, Vice Adm. Jeffrey Trussler, has been asking employees if they’ve heard about the Ukraine thing going on, sources report.

“The DNI came in asking if I’d heard of anything out of the ordinary going on in Ukraine,” Capt. Jim Porter said. “Obviously I hadn’t. I checked the news and wow, these kinds of things come out of nowhere, can’t they?”

The Office of Naval Intelligence, responsible for analyzing maritime intelligence and consuming 35% of the world’s microwaved taquitos, ground to a halt after learning something out of the ordinary was happening. Cryptological officers scrambled to tell their World of Warcraft guilds they’d be gone for a while, Chiefs told sailors to verify their SGLI, and Intelligence Specialists made a record amount of runs to 7/11.

“I don’t get any of this, it doesn’t make sense,” Porter said. “Last I heard Ukraine was still part of the Soviet Union, so they’re like, taking back their own territory? Wait, the USSR broke up? When did that happen?”

This morning VADM Trussler placed the Office of Naval Intelligence in crisis mode, a heightened state of operations reserved for an international incident or when the office is low on Doritos.

Trussler expects history to be made at the daily intel brief when the hour-long presentation will contain relevant information for the first time.

“Our intelligence experts are putting the newest intel into the brief,” Trussler said. “They’ll analyze the data and this afternoon they’ll report their inaccurate assessments and wild speculation. I can’t wait to gather all the officers up to hear ‘muscle flex’ and ‘safe and professional’ five times in a row.”

At press time, intelligence analysts were stressing that all this Russia in Crimea stuff happened eight years ago and not to worry about it now.

RED Friday wants you to remember EVERYONE deployed.

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