THE PENTAGON — National Guard infantry officer and cable news talk show contributor-turned-Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has ordered the military to paint a white letter ‘Z’ on all tanks, tracks, trucks, “and anything else that is lethal,” sources confirmed today.
The mandated vehicle markings mimic those used by invading Russian forces in Ukraine to distinguish themselves from “freedom-hating and war-mongering Ukrainians,” according to Hegseth.
“The ‘Z’ is in no way affiliated with our Russian overlor–I mean allie–I mean best frien–THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA, OKAY?” emphasized Hegseth as he pounded and savored the rich taste of a glass of water.
