WASHINGTON — Pete Hegseth began his confirmation hearing this week for Defense Secretary with effusive support from Senators Markwayne “Fists of Fury” Mullin and Tommy “Don’t forget he coached Auburn” as well as heated questions from Senators Tammy Duckworth, Tim “Not Walz” Kaine. Yet Hegseth handled the questioning ably by asserting that he was “not a perfect person” despite not even being a somewhat decent person, sources confirmed today.

When questioned by Sen. Kaine concerning extramarital affairs, for instance, Hegseth jumped to defend himself against an accusation of sexual assault that Kaine had not yet mentioned, which is totally normal behavior that an innocent person would definitely do. Hegseth, a possible rapist and definite philanderer, explained that he was not a perfect person (again) but was redeemed through God. Sources close to the former Fox News host say he often practices Godly acts such as breaking the seventh commandment, advocating for breaking the sixth commandment, and generally being kind of gross.

"Germs are not a real thing. I can't see them; therefore, they're not real," Hegseth explained while hosting Fox and Friends, hopefully jokingly.

“Cleanliness is close to Godliness,” Hegseth clarified. “Just like I was super close to getting a Ranger tab before the Army passed me over and lowered the standards for those bitches.”