In momentary lapse of judgment, female Silver Star winner focused on warfighting

"We’re all a little confused about how this happened."

ROYAL AIR FORCE LAKENHEATH, UNITED KINGDOM — In a recent ceremony emblematic of today’s broken Defense Department, Captain Lacie “Sonic” Hester, an F-15 Eagle weapons system officer, was awarded the Silver Star for what some have described as a significant lapse in judgment for committing warfighting in the face of the enemy. 

“I’ve always striven to make U.S. Air Forces Europe/Africa the diversiest, equitiest, and inclusioniest military organization on the planet,” commented General James Hecker, who presided over the ceremony. “But I can’t be everywhere at once, and so sometimes we have cases like this where a little warfighting slips through. But critics needn’t worry — we’re going to turn the page on this little hiccup and get back to the woke war they seem to know us best for.”

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The incident for which Captain Hester and more than two dozen other airmen earned personal decorations occurred earlier this year in April when Iran launched a large number of missiles and drones toward Israel as part of the ongoing War of All Against All. Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Freddy “Engels” Wuppertal stated that Captain Hester’s aircraft launched as part of a larger flight package armed with Critical Race Theory to intercept the Iranian salvo. Still, at this point, the mission’s details became murky.

”It appears that at some point in their careers, Captain Hester and her squadron-mates acquired what we used to call ‘tactical acumen,’ ‘military judgment,’ and ‘lethal skill-sets,’” said Wuppertal. “We’re all a little confused about how this happened because — as repeatedly declared by the well-informed and stringently objective MAGA intelligentsia — everyone knows that American military training these days consists exclusively of curricula in cultural Marxism and a physical training regimen of freebasing transgender hormone cocktails. Where our pilots picked up actual warfighting skills remains a mystery; maybe from a little light reading before lights-out with their 4B partners.”

”We’re also looking into how they swapped out their Critical Race Theory payloads for actual air-to-air ordnance before the engagement,” observed Wuppertal, “since it’s also well-known that we’ve shipped all of our weapons—with the exception of a milk carton full of BBs — to the bio-lab-loving Nazis in Ukraine. There’s a lot to untangle here.”

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The April engagement was the latest in a string of controversial episodes in which U.S. servicemembers violated the social justice warrior doctrine universally mandated and rigidly enforced by the Pentagon. The crew of the USS Carney was known to have spent seven months in a state of de facto mutiny by conducting an air defense campaign which one observer — who requested anonymity to speak freely — described as “a masterclass of military competence and professionalism; just don’t say who told you that or I’ll be sent to the re-education camp under the E-Ring.” 

Pete Hegseth, the incoming administration's nominee for secretary of defense, vowed to investigate the Defense Department’s suspicious battlefield performance.