TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines have always looked to their leadership to set the example, and the grunts of 1st Squad, 2nd Platoon, Alpha Company, 1st Battalion, 7th Marines are no exception. Indeed, Lance Cpl. (third award) Jimmy “Dilly” Bowman of 1st Squad’s first fire team believes that it’s time for their squad leader, Sgt. Tommy Ramsey, to follow the standard recently set by their commander-in-chief.

“It’s been clear to everyone in 1st Squad for a long time that Sgt. Ramsey is no longer physically or mentally able to fulfill the role entrusted to him,” said Bowman. “So, for the good of the country and my own ass, he should step aside as squad leader.”

“Look, this has nothing to do with me being a fat fuck, constantly late to formation, and losing the firing pin for my M4 the last time we did Range 400,” Bowman elaborated. “I’m genuinely concerned for the welfare of my Marines, as well as Sgt. Ramsey’s well-being. All the signs are there that he’s not up to the job anymore. When he runs, his knees sound like a giant stepping on a pile of dry branches. He drinks his own dip spit. More than once, I’ve gone by his office in the head shed and seen him staring at his own reflection and whispering ‘doggone, doggone’ to himself over and over again. You can’t tell me he’s just a well-meaning elder millennial with a poor memory.”