By Off the Beaten Path
WASHINGTON — Senior White House officials are on high alert following reports that Chelsea Manning has leaked her grandmother’s secret Thanksgiving recipes to Southern Living magazine. This marks the first time Manning has leaked secret documents to the public in over a decade.
“This is the greatest form of treason that we’ve seen in America since CIF stopped issuing the woobie,” Col. Grant Wanamaker, a White House liaison, said of Manning. The former soldier leaked several secret documents to WikiLeaks in 2010, resulting in federal prison time for espionage until her sentence was commuted by President Obama in January 2017.
“Everyone knew we were doing some shady shit during the war,” Wanamaker added, “but leaking a cornbread recipe that has been in the family for 60 years is unforgivable.”
Sean Ambriz, a Southern Living representative and Army veteran, told Duffel Blog reporters that he hasn’t felt this conflicted since having “to choose between Grunt Style or 9-Line for my retiree wardrobe.”
“On one hand, we’re letting the world know that collard greens shouldn’t be cooked without bacon; on the other, I’m basically supporting domestic terrorism,” he said. “If she was still in prison, I wouldn’t even have to deal with this backlash … thanks a lot, Obama!” Ambriz mumbled while adjusting his Thin Blue Line wristband.
The leak has spurred mixed emotions in the military community.
“Is this honestly still a big deal? What’s done is done, and we must live with the fallout,” said Command Sgt. Maj. John Freeland. “Freaking out won’t change the fact that I have PTSD from all the OPSEC training from the first leak and still can’t cook worth a shit with this leak.”
“My only complaint is that she [Manning] didn’t leak the recipes to TikTok with instructional videos. At least then, I could’ve benefited from it,” he added.
“Instead, I have to give a safety brief to all my window-lickers about not deep-frying turkeys with Uncle Jimbo in the backyard while playing Edward 40 Hands,” Freeland said.
At press time, President Biden had already pardoned Manning of any future charges.
TurkeyLeaks is going to have to find its way into general conversation.
"My ex put my grandmother's chicken parm recipe on TurkeyLeaks"
Now everyone knows that nonna used grape jelly instead of sugar to sweeten her sauce.