WASHINGTON — The Marine Corps is modernizing and plans to start using computers by the year 2030, a Corps official said today.

“We were excited to put in the research and roll up our sleeves,” said Lt. Col. Burgermeister, a spokesman for Headquarters Marine Corps. “It turns out, Marines don’t like two things: being treated like garbage when they’re boots, having their families drink cancer water we’ve known about for decades, and they are not fans of Army hand-me-downs. We can’t do anything about that first thing, but we sure as heck can get rid of these M-16s and maybe upgrade some of our 1980s systems.”

When informed that he listed three things, Lt. Col. Burgermeister throat-punched the Duffel Blog correspondent. 

Still, the announcement came after a series of other breathtaking changes the Marines have been championing. In many ways, the Corps is making greater strides in this new era of competition than its fellow services.