CAMP PENDLETON, Ca.— Note: The following was an unsolicited submission from a slightly intoxicated and bored junior enlisted Marine, PFC Christian de la Luna-Crudup. It is presented as he submitted it.

7. Coyote: 

Yup, seems scarier than it actually is. When I was on gate guard duty we would always see them at night. My childhood dog is bigger than those dudes. Plus, yes they have knives for teeth but I have teeth and knives and knife hands. Also, they are kind of cute so maybe I could make it into a pet. Time to KO: ~5 minutes. Verdict: Me.

6. Geese: 

Nasty little guys. They can fly so that’s an advantage. However, on the ground, hand-to-wing combat? I am confident in my skills. I have a tan belt in MCMAP. Besides, they are all talk and they have a lot of throat to punch and choke. I am not afraid of being beak-bitten. Time to KO: ~10 minutes. Verdict: Me, AF.

5. Horse:

This is a bit of a wild card. Christopher Reeves was literally Superman and got humbled by a horse. But honestly, I don’t want to fight a horse, I want to befriend a horse. I would recognize his grace and power but also hope he would see my wisdom and gentleness. Time to KO: No KO but it will probably take a couple of hours to learn how to horseback ride. Verdict: BFFs.