ARLINGTON, Va. — Current difficulties meeting recruitment goals are driving the Navy to overcome recruitment challenges with an aggressive and creative new plan: lowering standards for foreign spies and implementing a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy regarding asking applicants’ pesky questions regarding citizenship and foreign ties.

Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro spoke highly of the change at a press conference. “As you’ve seen, we have many foreign spies who wish to serve, so who are we to ignore a clear source of recruits? Even Chinese spies can mop and serve chow. Plus, studies indicate foreign spies view their superior officers as unmatched gods, making them perfect for a Navy rife with toxic leaders.”

Chief of Naval Personnel Vice Admiral Rick Cheeseman, Jr. touted the plan as a step towards diversity and inclusion. “We have the opportunity to put our money where our mouth is and take another great step towards making our Navy a more equitable organization no matter where you come from, even if that means you’re selling our secrets to the Russians,” Cheeseman continued, “As Coach Klein from Waterboy said, ‘What mama don’t know won’t hurt her.’”