By As For Class
THE PENTAGON — The newly appointed Sergeant Major of the Army (SMA) announced today that every single member of the military, from privates to generals, will now be required to wear a green beret.
"We've been experimenting with different headgear for years, and we've finally settled on the green beret as the perfect symbol of our military might," said Command Sgt. Maj. Michael Weimer, a Special Forces soldier with more than 20 years experience in special ops. "It's the ultimate combination of style and function."
Weimer’s edict falls in line with a series of similar decisions from the Army brass regarding uniforms in recent years. This includes the transition away from army greens, to dress blues, to the old/new pinks and greens—all of which coincided with the epic destruction of the battle dress uniform as it was replaced by clown costumes until the army rediscovered camouflage.
The move was reminiscent of a similar 2001 decision by then-Army Chief of Staff Gen. Eric Shinseki. When Duffel Blog reporters reached out for comment, Shinseki praised the move as “something I should have thought of. This is absolutely endorsed by me.”
The decision has been met with mixed reactions from the ranks. Some see it as a bold and innovative move, while others are skeptical of the practicality of the new headgear.
"I mean, I guess it looks kind of cool, but I don't know how well it'll hold up in the field," said Pfc. Johnny Smitherine. "They told us that we aren’t going to be allowed to wear kevlars anymore and I’m a little concerned. I'm just worried about sweat dripping into my eyes and ruining my sight while I'm out there fighting for our country."
Others have pointed out that the green beret may not be suitable for all branches of the Army.
"What about the guys and gals in the mess halls? How are they supposed to wear a beret on top of their white puffy hats?" asked Spc. Mary Susan Jones.
“I”m a little concerned that they aren’t going to let us wear our flight helmets,” Capt. Evan Spinloft, an Apache pilot stationed at Fort Bragg, said on Twitter. “We sort of need those things to fly.”
The new green berets are expected to hit stores in the coming weeks, with the SMA urging all service members to "invest in a few extra for backup." The berets will come in a variety of sizes, from extra small to extra extra large, to accommodate the diverse head sizes of military personnel.
In addition to the green berets, the SMA also announced that all military uniforms will now feature "tactical pouches" for carrying essential gear.
"We've heard the complaints about not having enough pockets, so we're taking action," the SMA said. "These pouches will be perfect for carrying around snacks, maps, and your green beret."
Despite the concerns, the SMA remains confident in the decision.
"We've done the research and we know this will work," the SMA said. "Besides, it'll be a great morale booster. Who doesn’t want to wear one of these bad boys?" the SMA said while pointing to his own green beret.
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
Anything is better than the baseball cap of the 70s…Fuck I’m old
I wouldn't be surprised if this is copied verbatim from a new Army Times article. Im afraid to google it.
I close my eyes and can smell the sweat soaked rim of my berret while I swap headgear "as you cross the threshold of the motorpool gate". It's definetly in a box somewhere in my home waiting