COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — In response to worries recently expressed by Canadian officers at the adjacent North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) building, a spokesman for U.S. Northern Command has assured reporters that Canada had absolutely nothing to worry about regarding a new draft Operations Plan for an invasion of the country code-named Crimson.
“I want to assure my colleagues north of the border that OPLAN Crimson is a mundane planning exercise,” said Air Force Col. Bud Boomer. “In no way does it reflect any real-world operational scenario. It’s just a fun little thought experiment for our planners to get some practice.”
As proof of the clearly benign nature of OPLAN Crimson, Colonel Boomer was joined on the podium by Maj. Terrance Stoot, a liaison officer from the Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry regiment. The utterly overblown kerfuffle about the OPLAN began when Stoot discovered a copy of the OPLAN wrapped around several Trump cigars in a parking lot beside NORAD headquarters, defense officials said.
“I figured the recent bluster from Mar-a-Lago was just a crude farewell to our retiring prime minister,” said Stoot, “but then the president starts talking about military action against Greenland, and I find this OPLAN the next morning. It was…concerning.”
Stoot added: ”I know, I know, it’s silly for me to worry about neighboring countries threatening the territorial integrity of my homeland — that’s not the world we live in. So I went to my section head and asked him what in the maple-flavored poutine was really going on.”
