Russian warship honors Ukrainian request to go fuck itself
It took a while but it finally happened.
By Zoltar the Malignant
SEVASTOPOL, Russia — A Russian warship told by Ukrainian soldiers to go fuck itself has fucked itself, according to multiple reports.
The RTS Moskva, the flagship of the Russian Navy’s Black Sea Fleet, officially fucked itself on April 14, when it sunk in choppy seas. The crew of the Slava-class missile cruiser, in the early days of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, was infamously told by Ukrainian soldiers defending Snake Island to “go fuck yourselves.”
Russian officials and state-run media insist that the ship fucked itself with no outside assistance.
“The regrettable loss of the Moskva was completely, totally an act of self-copulation,” Russian Defense Ministry spokesman Maj. Gen. Igor Konashenkov said. “A fire got out of control and the ship fucked itself — there is no truth to the rumor that the Moskva was fucked by the Nazi regime in Kyiv.”
“And come on,” Konashenkov continued. “Is it that hard to believe, after watching us screw the pooch for the past two months, that a sailor did something shit-all stupid like smoke in the ship’s magazine? Would you really put it past us at this point?”
However, the Pentagon was quick to release intelligence showing that the Moskva was, in fact, fucked by two Neptune anti-ship missiles fired from the Ukrainian port city of Odesa.
“We’re not discounting the possibility that the Russian Navy ended up fucking itself, in accordance with the Snake Island soldiers’ wishes, in the act of towing the Moskva back to port, like if the conscript sailors were label-deep in a bottle of vodka when they deployed the towlines,” said Pentagon spokesman John Kirby. “But it’s clear to us that the first act of penetration was on account of those warheads.”
Ukrainian soldier Roman Hrybov, the soldier who asked the Moskva to go fuck itself, said he was touched that the crew honored his request.
“I’m glad that the crew concluded, as I did, that fucking themselves was the proper course of action,” Hrybov said through a translator. “It is my sincere hope that the crew, whether safe onshore or at the bottom of the Black Sea, continues to fuck themselves.”
The destruction of the Moskva is the largest act of self-copulation for the Russian Navy since the nuclear submarine Kursk fucked itself in 2000.
Zoltar the Malignant covers naval accidents and self-abuse for Duffel Blog.