USS Your Mother’s A Whore joins list of controversial Navy ships
Still better than those Civil War losers.
By Zoltar the Malignant
PORTSMOUTH, Va. — The ongoing controversy over how the Navy chooses names for its ships intensified this week following the launch of the USS Your Mother’s a Whore.
The lead vessel of the Navy’s new class of supply ships was christened at Norfolk Naval Shipyard next to her sister ship, the USS Your Father Backs Up Into Doorknobs, which is expected to put to sea later this year. She will rendezvous for her shakedown cruise with the littoral combat ship USS Gabrielle Giffords.
The Navy has drawn controversy in recent years for naming ships after Giffords, a mass shooting victim turned gun control advocate, gay rights pioneer Harvey Milk, and civil rights activist Cesar Chavez, who called his Navy service “the worst two years of his life.” Further outrage was averted late last year when plans for the USS Alex Jones were scrapped on the secret orders of the Trilateral Commission, the Illuminati, and the Council on Foreign Relations.
Still, the new vessels join the fleet at a time when the Navy’s ship-naming conventions have come under fire from conservative lawmakers who allege the military is going woke, and from liberal lawmakers seeking to rename ships and bases named after segregationists and Confederate military victories.
In testimony yesterday before the House Armed Services Committee, Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro defended the names as “giving all you crybaby snowflakes something to cry about.”
“Look, we’re damned if we do, and we’re damned if we don’t,” Del Toro testified. “We name anything after a dead white guy and the usual suspects start whining like the little bitches they are. So we end up having to change the name, which lasts for a week until some soyboy on Twitter finds out that the new person said something a century ago that didn’t age well, and we’re back to the drawing board.”
He then pulled a flask of whiskey out of his suit pocket and drained it while flipping the entire committee the middle finger with his free hand.
“So why doesn’t this great big nation of pansies go sit on this and spin? In fact, I think I’ll pencil that in on the name list.”
Del Toro cut off lawmakers and staggered out of the chambers before they could question him about the design of the new ship’s crest — a QR code that, when scanned, inserts a photo of your mother in a seedy motel room with the ship’s officers in various states of undress.
The Navy has ordered eight ships of the Your Mother’s a Whore class. The keel has been laid on the USS Your Sister Goes Down Like an Anchor, with the construction of the USS Your Grandma Licks Bat Shit off Cave Walls set to start in 2025.
Zoltar the Malignant covers naval affairs, and your mother — that’s right, tough guy, your mother — for Duffel Blog.
My dad served during the Korean War on the USS Your Mom Swims Out To Troop Ships and he was very proud of his ship and service.
I understand that when Secretary Del Toro sobered up he apologized and promised that all ships would in the future be gender neutral starting with the first in it's class of the USS Gofuckyourself.