WASHINGTON — With many veterans worried that government-wide cost-cutting measures will affect essential medical care and benefits, Veterans Affairs Secretary Doug Collins has reassured the nation that he will “personally punch every veteran in the nutsack,” sources confirmed today.

“Don’t believe all the rumors you hear in the woke media,” Collins said. “I’m coming for your nuts, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

The VA fired 1,000 employees as part of broader layoffs across the federal government, leading many veterans to fear appointment cancellations, service reductions, or even veteran benefits cuts. And the agency plans to fire an additional 80,000 workers in the coming months. But Collins said veterans’ fears are unwarranted.

“The only other thing that’s getting cut is your balls after I throw a smokin’ one-two combo on that bean sack of yours,” Collins said. “And I know you’ve got some big old swollen balls, too, from whatever weird diseases you contracted in Southwest Asia.”

Collins has promised that all savings from the layoffs will be put towards innovative programs that significantly improve veteran care. Pilot programs currently in the works include doubling wait times, a more efficient process that uses a Chinese AI to automatically deny disability claims, and remastering the synth opus that plays while you’re on hold for three hours with the suicide crisis line.

“If you’re excited about these changes,” he said, “just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”