WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly declassified report alleges that the infamous vegetable and cheese omelet MRE was not accidentally spawned in a wet market, but was intentionally created in a laboratory to advance “gain-of-function” research into the development of even shittier field rations.

The report from the United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases rejects the long-accepted wet-market theory, and instead concludes that the dreaded “vomelet,” which has spawned tens of thousands of disability claims, was first developed at the Combat Capabilities Development Command Soldier Center, in Natick, Mass.

“Conventional wisdom from the CDC, WHO and other respected health entities have traced the origin of the vegetable omelet MRE to recombinant DNA from a farmer’s market frequented by the strippers who work along Victory Drive outside Fort Benning,” the USAMRIID paper’s unnamed authors wrote. “However, it now appears that the omelet was, in fact, created by our very own Natick Army Labs to spur breakthroughs into even more MRE menus that look and taste like someone took a dump in a pouch.”