By Slab Squatthrust

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Slightly upset that the grandson he raised couldn’t be bothered to join an actual armed service, a local Marine veteran grandfather was only mildly excited Monday that his grandchild, Baxter, has unceremoniously enlisted in the Coast Guard.

“We always taught Baxter to follow in his family’s footsteps and join the military, but I guess he just wants to save lives or whatever,” said retired Chief Warrant Officer-5 Brian Hunter of his 18-year-old grandson, noting that he was visibly excited to be stationed stateside and not having to “ship out to fight someone else’s war.”