BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — A top secret weapons development program has been scrapped after countless allegations of misconduct and numerous injuries were sustained by soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan, Duffel Blog has learned.

Dubbed "The Lightsaber," the weapon (nomenclature MR2D2) was a near perfect imitation of those carried by Jedi Knights in the iconic Star Wars movies.

"Even with having the most professional military in the world," said Pentagon spokesman George Little, "we did not anticipate the unintended consequences. Apparently, when you give soldiers a weapon they've dreamed about their entire lives, their intelligence drops to the level of a retarded monkey."