COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Televised on a Tuesday afternoon between a darts championship and an infomercial for glasses that help you drive better at night, the annual football game between the Space Force and Coast Guard academies somewhat lacked the prestige of the recent Army-Navy game, but officials say it did manage to attract “three, or maybe even four” people on local public access television.

“We’re building a brand right now. We’re establishing a message,” said Chief of Space Operations Gen. B. Chance Saltzman. “And that message is ‘Hey, we are not a huge joke,’” he continued desperately.

The event was also live-streamed on America Online, according to officials who noted it was not the modern version of AOL but the version of AOL that was available on compact discs delivered through the mail during the 1990s.

“The Coast Guard Academy was established in 1876! We’ve been around longer than the Air Force, for crying out loud! We are a serious service for serious people!” shouted Coast Guard Commandant Admiral Linda L. Fagan to a press briefing with no attendees.