The following is an opinion piece written by a U.S. Navy Band Clarinet.

Is it me, or is this whole “sequestration” deal complete bullshit? Like, this is serious. Base facilities are being shuttered. Entire ship deployments and repairs are being cancelled. And now, due to a majority of the Navy Band’s gigs getting shit-canned, I haven’t been blown since our last concert two weeks ago.

You heard right: Two full weeks have passed since I’ve had a set of wet, tender lips clamped down around my reed and mouthpiece. Half a month has gone by since my keys have been fingered with the professional and sensual touch of a Filipina massage girl. Indeed, it’s been 14 desperate days since I’ve had wave after wave of sweet, moist oxygen pumping straight down my barrel, coursing through my first and second joints, and working every nook and cranny of my imported African hardwood until I erupt in a spasm of pure sexual ecstasy while skeeting-out some of the sweetest John Philip-fucking-Sousa you’ve ever heard.

Yup. That’s all apparently over now, courtesy of the Budget Control Act of 2011. Thanks, Congress.

Of course, it wasn’t always like this. Back before the budget went to shit and the military was adequately funded, the Navy Band’s schedule was jam-packed and I was living life like a rock star.

I used to get to travel all over the place playing gigs in front of world leaders, bringing joy to the locals, and all while at the same time spreading freedom’s message through the beautiful sound of some of our nation’s most patriotic music.

And during all that, I was also getting oral.