THE PENTAGON — American service members are used to shared suffering and the latest government shutdown has been no exception. Whether in the continental United States or on foreign shoes, from generals to privates, the month of October has been defined by financial uncertainty and reduced spending on all but the barest necessities. 

One guy, however, is having the time of his life — having turned October into his own personal Make-A-Wish carnival, and that is YOUR corn-fed, warrior-bred Secretary of Defense and Also War and Also Pew Pew Pete Hegseth. No money? No problem; he’ll just spend yours. Here are the top 10 things the SECDEF has miraculously found money for while you’ve been praying that SNAP gets funded to feed your children:

#1: LARPing with the bois (and just the bois, girls in uniform have cooties)

Sure, that $7,000 per flight hour could’ve covered food stamps for the junior enlisted or paid a teacher at the base child development center, but are you really going to begrudge the SECDEF a few minutes outside to touch grass? 

#2: More LARPing with the bois.

That sick shaka is a bargain at any price, even the $13,000 per flight hour it cost while you’re weighing another personal loan for your own gas from USAA.

#3: Pete’s the public face of the most powerful military on earth, so he damn well needs to look his best at the negotiating table.

So don’t nickel and dime him on Botox treatments, it’s all part of the warrior ethos. 

#4: Toy airplanes for Donnie Jr.

Despite being an eligible military-aged male during the entirety of the Global War on Terror, Donald Trump Jr. avoided the whiff of grapeshot for the duration and you know what, he feels pretty guilty about it. So the SECDEF figured the least he could do was let Donnie show his support for the troops through the dividends of a lucrative drone contract. Trump Jr. is reportedly deeply honored by his board position with the drone company where his hefty responsibilities include making “brrrrrrrr” sounds during each board meeting.

#5: Vigilance never sleeps, nor is it cheap.

So it’s not asking much for sailors to eat the zeroes in their LESs because Pete needs funds for Task Force Instagram. If you’ve got time to make reels, you’ve got time to pick up a shift at the base McDonald’s. And you better not post any of those “WTF Moment” stories about how your whiny kids are always hungry — the Task Force is watching.

#6: To reinforce the parts of the warrior ethos Pete cares most deeply about, he’s ordered Defense Department comptrollers to scrape enough funds together for Operation BEARDS BAD.

BEARDS BAD is an urgent acquisitions program to give each and every servicemember a set of clippers for policing those nasty moostaches. You won’t have a chicken in every pot but since you’re trimming every day, your clippings guarantee a steady diet of protein. Because Pete doesn’t want any beards ruining his pictures. Seriously, he doesn’t. Get the fuck away from him with that shit.