WASHINGTON — Following a series of Presidential Directives and Pentagon orders banning transgender troops from serving in the military and affecting other trans rights, the Department of Defense announced this week that the United States Transportation Command (US TRANSCOM) has been renamed US PENISORVAGINACOM.

“The organization formerly known as TRANSCOM has been a victim of extremist gender ideology since its founding in 1987,” said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. “Thanks to our administration’s stouthearted focus on warfighting and mission readiness, this global logistical juggernaut will have to accept the genitals it was born with or face a dishonorable discharge.”

“And I’ll be checking,” he added.

A memo signed by Hegseth earlier this week noted that all trans-related ideology will be scrubbed from the organization’s mission and sub-organizations. However, it remains unclear how PENISORVAGINACOM will continue to fulfill its mission of providing global air, land, and sea transportation without maintaining some of its previous trans qualities.

“PENISORVAGINACOM is no longer authorized to conduct any form of transportation,” read the memo. “Moving forward, the only authorized forms of portation will be penisportation, vaginaportation, and possibly assportation if there is a compelling mission need.”