NAVAL AMPHIBIOUS BASE CORONADO — President Donald Trump’s surprise disclosure of a pending covert operation in Venezuela has devastated the Navy SEAL community — not because of the mission’s compromise, but because it torpedoed their lucrative plans to write tell-all books about it.
“Killing narcos is cool,” said Kyle, a SEAL who declined to share his last name because of OPSEC and pending trademark litigation on his book title. “But now we can’t kill it on Amazon because the commander-in-chief dropped spoilers.”
Kyle explained that SEALs follow a time-honored tradition of publishing books after classified operations, when the allure of thrilling detail has been known to override security concerns.
“We follow a simple formula,” Kyle said in between bench presses. “Get a ghost writer, talk about laser sights and night vision, throw in some angst about strain, and change the names to keep the security dorks off your back.”
But the president’s public announcement removes the crucial element of the “secret squirrel” aspect that opens publishing doors, Kyle explained.
“The mystique angle is crucial to a book deal,” said Steve, another SEAL. “Nobody wants to read a book about an op that already got blasted out on their grandmother’s fucking Facebook page,” he said in between shoulder presses.