CASTLE ROCK, Co - A local man was hospitalized with serious injuries today after a failed attempt to stand for the flag while at the exact same moment kneeling for the cross.

“I’ve seen some pretty mind-blowing things in my day,” said Joe Stevens, the first attending paramedic on the scene. “But sweet Jesus, this was unintelligent.” Stevens described the injuries suffered by 53-year-old Persian Gulf War veteran Grant Stander as “painful” and “completely unnecessary.”

Stander, whose full-time job appears to be waving an American flag from an overpass on Interstate 25 south of Denver, was sitting on a park bench reading up on the latest products he should boycott when, he said, a “killer Wrangler” drove by with "this badass tire cover” depicting an American flag in the shape of a cross adorned by the words, “stand for the flag, kneel for the cross.”