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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Wednesday, 30 September 2026

Army

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

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Vol. 15 · No. 117

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Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Deployed worldwide

Wednesday

30 September 2026

1857 Zulu

Next edition Friday

← Front page
Opinion · Page 2

Opinion: I would’ve joined the military too if I didn’t think it was beneath me

Filed · 1552

Photo by Ernest Flowers / Unsplash

I heard you talking earlier about how you were in the military. First, thank you for your service. That’s awesome and I want to let you know, I appreciate your sacrifice and I definitely would’ve joined up myself if I wasn’t absolutely sure it’s way beneath me. I have a ton of respect for the troops, especially those who I assume didn’t have other options or weren’t smart enough to do something else like go to college and get a regular job like I did. So basically all of them.

I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like. I mean, I’ve never really had to try because I did well in high school so I had other options but it’s so impressive that you probably didn’t and decided to serve rather than be homeless. Did you ever kill anyone?

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