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Trump declines parade march, citing sudden bone spur flare-up
Insists he's ‘more injured than most heroes’ after learning parade route involves walking.
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Duffel Blog
6
New Air Force One denied security clearance due to excessive foreign connections
Jet claims it was just being polite when Qatari royals “kept climbing inside.”
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Bull Winkle
4
Fort Irwin to be renamed Fort Hitler
Army insists it’s “a completely different Hitler,” citing strong Union loyalty and bratwurst recipes.
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Duffel Blog Staff
7
Basic bitch goes to Basic Training
Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat).
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Duffel Blog Staff
4
Elon Musk awarded Bronze Star for accomplishing nothing
“While he achieved literally none of his stated objectives, the PowerPoint slides were clean, and he cc’d a lot of people.”
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Clay Beyersdorfer
5
Taliban to probe allegations of fair treatment of women
"A man should feel safe as he walks down the street, not agonizing that a woman could be around any corner."
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The Ghost of Jimmy Carter
7
US 'far behind in capabilities' being sold by retired general
The retired officer says that America is woefully under-resourced in a defense technology capability that is only sold by his company.
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Thunder Chicken
5

May 2025

Neuralink placed in Marine crashes Pornhub
"I saw it all. All of Pornhub at once. I was, like, the god of porn for a minute.”
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Duffel Blog
3
Army study: Soldiers have bigger dicks than sailors
The USS Ronald Reagan held the record for simultaneous penis inspections, with 473 sailors participating.
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Ghost Of Jimmy Carter
2
California bans veteran burials due to unacceptable levels of PFAS
“While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them to do so in death,” said Gov. Newsom.
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Bernard Buttersquash
4
Zyn-Monster-condom pack sells out in minutes at PX
“I was first in line,” said Pfc. Travis Thompson, who camped overnight for the release.
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Duffel Blog
4
Combat vet joins War on Drugs
He's taking a firm stance not against, but in support of drug use.
 • 
Clay Beyersdorfer
5
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