US accidentally re-invades Iraq

Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray

THE PENTAGON — As tensions between Israel and Iran continue to swell, the United States reaffirmed its unwavering commitment to regional stability by launching a full-scale invasion of Iraq, sources confirmed today.

Initially framed as a “measured response” to both Israel’s and Iran’s escalatory behavior, the operation took an unexpected turn when someone reminded Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth that Iran and Iraq are, in fact, different countries.

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“Wait — are you serious?” asked Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth during a press conference, slowly turning to look at a globe someone had hastily brought into the room. “So… where the hell have we been sending the 101st?”

Image: The Secretary of Defense at the aforementioned press conference, sans camouflage tie.

Hegseth, known for weekend morning Fox News hits and buying suits at Banana Republic, was reportedly briefed on the situation using a laminated Risk board, memes on Post-it Notes, and a pirated copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. He apparently mistook Iraq for “the brown one next to the oil” and approved the mission with a double thumbs-up Post-it and a Braveheart quote.

The debacle deepened when Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard weighed in from her beachfront Skull Island HQ in Hawaii, where she was livestreaming a yoga pose titled Warrior II: Strategic Ambiguity.

Image: Tulsi Gabbard poses in front of her headquarters off the coast of Hawaii.

“We’ve assessed with low-to-moderate enlightenment that Iraq is spiritually adjacent to Iran,” said Gabbard, speaking over a background of ocean waves and pan flutes. “And while we don’t have actual evidence, I feel very strongly about this, chakra-wise.”

Sources say Gabbard’s daily intelligence brief was a vision board featuring a burning American flag, a surfboard, and the words “Sovereignty? Vibes only.”

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The actual invasion kicked off when several brigades of the 82nd Airborne, one Marine Expeditionary Unit, and the entirety of the National Guard’s Persian Gulf Renaissance Fair Reenactment Unit parachuted into Baghdad International Airport — again — to the confusion of everyone involved.

Iraqi officials initially assumed the Americans were back for a class reunion, possibly a 20-year anniversary of “Operation Let’s See What Happens.” When told this was a new operation, codenamed Enduring Freedom 2, the Iraqi Prime Minister said, “Of course it is.”