Iran rebranded 'Pepsistan' in new Pepsi-Pentagon strategic partnership

U.S. military now powered by freedom, capitalism, and high-fructose corn syrup

WASHINGTON — In a significant development in both foreign policy and snack branding, President Donald Trump announced today that all future U.S. military strikes on Iran will be officially sponsored by PepsiCo.

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Under the terms of the groundbreaking agreement, Pepsi has secured exclusive branding rights to the country and renamed it “Pepsistan” following the first airstrike. In exchange, the company will pay $5 million upfront and up to $20 million in deferred snack-based incentives over the next 25 years — a deal Trump called “unbelievable, historic, and very, very fizzy.”

Also as part of the agreement, American pilots must now say “This bombing run brought to you by Pepsi” before deploying ordnance.

“I almost walked away, but then they offered me unlimited Funyuns,” Trump said from his Pepsi-a-Lago compound in Florida, describing the negotiations as “tough but beautiful.”

“Did you know Pepsi owns Funyuns? Also Gatorade. And possibly Qatar.”

He added: “Pepsi negotiators, very tough people, very smart, almost as smart as me, not quite but close, good brains, and great snacks by the way, Pepsi makes other snacks. Pringles, Ritz, Juicy Fruit, Purina, Hot Pockets—tremendous, tremendous foods. But we made it happen, great people at PepsiCo.”

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Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick praised the arrangement, calling it “the most successful defense-contract-slash-soft-drink-collab since Operation RipIt Freedom in Iraq.”