Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse

FT. MEADE, Md. — Across the Department of Defense this week, functional military websites will be undergoing their annual update to make them worse, sources confirmed today.

“Our websites and cyber infrastructure are at a point where they work and you can use them to do your job,” Lt. Gen. William J. Hartman, acting commander of U.S. Cyber Command, told reporters. “This cannot stand. I’ve directed all available resources to change this as soon as possible.”

Planned improvements include broken links, images that don’t load, and outdated information. Officials are also hailing the implementation of groundbreaking seven-factor authentication to verify that users are not only human but also actively weeping.

“It may seem like a lot,” Hartman said, “But we must ensure that only authorized users are accessing our system to check the hours of the base gym.”

Other updates include requiring a thirty-seven character password that must be changed every 21 days for a system that the average service member uses once a year. If the service member’s password expires, their account will be deleted and they will have to fill out nine access request forms signed in triplicate to regain access.

“We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable,” Hartman said. “Rest assured you can spend hours trying to figure out the site layout and give up before finding any worthwhile information.”

“We’re doing the best we can,” Jacob Ellis, the seven-year old hired to run the Pentagon's cyber infrastructure, said before adding: “I like the computer with the picture of the choo choo.” Ellis was given a popsicle for setting up a website that transfers credit card numbers over an unencrypted connection.

At press time, Hartman confirmed that all systems were up. “But don’t worry,” he said, “The moment you need them they’ll crash.”