Grandma just wants to know if that was you dropping bombs on Iran
Family sources confirm she also believes you’re in charge of NORAD.
GRANDMA’S HOUSE, USA — Multiple sources report that your grandmother is very worried about “all this Middle East business” and just wants to know if you were on one of those airplanes that recently bombed Iran.
“She’s been worried sick,” said your mother, even though you are not a pilot or mission commander, and might not even be in the Air Force. “Grandma saw the news about ‘those stealth plane things’ attacking the atomic bomb factories in Iran, and she’s afraid you might have been flying one. Please call her.”
One of your siblings noted that Grandma did try to ask you about it by posting on her own Facebook wall. “Why not take a few minutes to check it out, Mister Top Gun War Hero?” the sibling said.
This isn’t the first time grandma thought you were in the middle of a high-profile military operation. At various times over the past month, she’s asked your parents and siblings if you were in North Korea, Ukraine, or deployed to the border “fighting all those illegals.”
Gen. Michael Kurilla, commander of U.S. Central Command, tried to reassure your Nana.
“While we do not release combat aircrew details about classified missions, I can assure your grandmother that you can barely recognize a B-2, much less fly one,” he said.
Meanwhile, grandma’s concern about the danger she thinks you’re in has even reached Capitol Hill.
“Your grandchild is not a pilot, ma’am,” said Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), who has questioned the wisdom of the attack on Iran. “The vast military-industrial complex does not revolve around your little Private Jeffrey. Calm the hell down.”
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, most of your extended family appears to believe you are personally involved in every operation shown on Fox News. This includes your cousin, who recently texted to ask if you got to “march in that big Marine birthday parade thing.”
At press time, your grandpa was pointing at the television, claiming he saw you guarding the entrance to the White House.
Blondes Over Baghdad contributed to this story.
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer, podcaster. Also likes to talk about books on YouTube.
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Chill out, Grandma — and count your blessings!! Be happy the kid is home, in his own driveway, washing down his pickup!
This was my grandma and mom who actually called the red cross to contact my basic training commander in 1972 to "see if I was alright". That episode ruined my plan to be invisible I can tell you. I was mortified.