NORFOLK, Va. — The commanding officer of the USS Wasp can barely go five minutes without stamping out Marxism onboard, sources confirmed today.
“Sailors used to show up and kill time until they could go home,” said Capt. John Burnum. “But that all changed with Biden. Ever since his presidency I’ve been fighting to contain a Bolshevik revolution onboard. Marxism is not a cultural boogeyman or a label for anyone leveling legitimate criticism at the morons we have in charge. It is a real threat to the lethality of the military.”
Burnum says the change has been obvious.
“I used to hear sailors say ‘This is some bullshit,’ and ‘Baker’s got a fat ass.’ Now that Marxism has poisoned their minds, sailors are saying ‘This is some bullshit,’ and ‘Today is the 107th anniversary of the day our forefathers stormed the House of Special Purpose to dispose of the Romanovs.’ Also, our command climate surveys reveal sailors intend on seizing the means of producing ‘tig ol bitties.’”
Junior sailors have even suggested renaming Wasp as USS Bernie Sanders, and refer to the crackdown of Marxist ideology onboard as “Bloody Sunday," officials said. There is grumbling among the E-4 Proletariat that higher ranks enjoy unfair privileges, such as the opportunity to watch sailors pee.
Wasp Executive Officer Cmdr. John McCarthy has been leading the anti-Marxist effort.
“I’ve held public hearings where I demand sailors explain their Communist beliefs,” he said. “Many of them played dumb, saying they didn’t know what Marxism was. A lot of them also said they didn’t know the difference between the Atlantic and Pacific ocean. I thought that was a joke until a third of the crew said they had no idea.”
Meanwhile, Chief Master at Arms Julio Martinez says he is on the front line of the culture war.
