YOUR BASE — Gather round folks. C’mon, bring it in really close. I want to cover a few topics to keep you safe as we head into the weekend.

It’s me, that hot new respiratory virus that got you a few days off work in March until the SecDef decided you were expendable. But don’t believe all “scientists” and “experts” who say I’m anything more than a bad flu. These are the same people who used to recommend specific cigarette brands, and then flip-flopped and told us that smoking was bad.

First things first, make sure you gather in large crowds. Nothing will own those commie liberals like packing the beaches, bars, and eventually ICU beds. If you die, it was God’s will, right? Show them you’re not afraid of some tiny acellular particle that’s not even considered a living thing. I mean, you wouldn’t be afraid of Jones’s dick, would you?