WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.
Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.
“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”
The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”
Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.
“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”
Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”
“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”
The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”
