THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth on Monday blamed a recent car accident on the "fog of war," marking the second time the rare meteorological/metaphysical phenomenon has intervened in his personal decision-making. Pentagon sources confirmed his McLaren GT was completely totaled, while Hegseth escaped with only minor scrapes — an outcome several officials attributed to the enduring spite of a vengeful God.

“Yes, I know what I’ve said about my blood-alcohol level in the past,” Hegseth told the assembled press pool of MAGA bloggers and Turkish state propagandists. “But this time it really was the fog of war. Honest.”

Members of Congress, suddenly remembering they are constitutionally allowed to give a shit, pressed Hegseth for details. A memo from the House Armed Services Committee asked how he managed to wrap a 2022 McLaren GT around a “perfectly innocent white oak” on a back road in Goodlettsville, Tennessee, near his family home. Several lawmakers questioned what exactly could have prevented the crash, with some openly wondering whether “fog” was simply a new operational term for “blacked out.”

Senior enlisted leaders also voiced frustration. Sgt. Maj. Alexa Stork of the 323rd Military Intelligence Battalion at Fort Meade said she was already busy enough warning junior soldiers about winter driving hazards.

“Now I have to tell Private Joe Snuffy to beware of the fog of war, too? This is bullshit,” Stork said, noting that the Army had not yet updated its POV safety brief to include metaphysical combat conditions.