THE PENTAGON — Hours after the Pentagon announced it was renaming the Department of Defense to the Department of War, veteran-themed t-shirt companies launched an all-out sprint to design the douchiest War Department tee imaginable, sources confirmed today.

“We sought to draw into question the physical, mental, and spiritual limits of the term ‘cringe,’” said a high-level leader at Nine Line Apparel, adding that “this is very serious business.”

Leaders at Nine Line, Grunt Style and Black Rifle Coffee Company spoke with Duffel Blog on condition of anonymity because they are “not supposed to talk to anyone without a beard," said one source. "What are you, gay?” 

"Anyway, we knew we had to seize this opportunity to drape every Cybertruck owner, guy who would have joined spec ops but his knee, and Latino who is just hoping to be left alone by ICE, in the most God-awful, tacky, shamelessly hubristic tee we could come up with.”

“We’re going to fill every CrossFit gym in 'Merica with this shit,” he added.