WASHINGTON — After weeks of meetings with senators where he tried to explain that he didn’t actually mean what he said two months ago about women and gays in the military, Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth announced a new policy that he would implement on his first day in office.
“There have been a lot of rumors about my drinking habits, so to address these concerns, I’ll be launching a new ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ alcohol policy based on the same standard I hold myself to: you see me sloshed the night before and I come to work the next morning smelling like tequila, ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.”
Hegseth has been working hard in the halls of Congress to shore up support for his nomination since allegations emerged that his core motivation for waking up in the morning is getting his dick wet. When stories about his party habits started popping up, Hegseth admitted worrying about the success of his nomination but was determined to meet the new charges head-on.
“Yeah, it’s going around that I’ve got the alcohol tolerance of a high school girl,” he said while taking a swig from a glass that he insisted was just Diet Coke, “and don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of high school girls until they age out and I dump them for a new model. But like the patriot I am, I decided to fight these allegations while setting the new standard for good order and discipline that I hope will distinguish my time at the Pentagon. So from day one, if one of our warfighters sees their buddy stumbling into walls and trying to insert a slice of cheese into a CAC reader, just, you know, shut up about it, okay? And while you’re at it, keep the lights dim and the conversation around your buddy at a low volume since their head really hurts, and they’d appreciate you not making it worse.”
